So many years, so much searching, so much researching! How can anyone really understand what they truly believe without time, energy and effort? My last 30 years have been spent locked in a devout Catholic mold trying to pretend what they were saying was real, the misogyny was some how justified. The fear of reprisal from God for “sinning” and possibility of going to hell engrained so deeply that to leave was even more fearful.
And I didn’t grow up Catholic! I grew up nothing. My family wasn’t religious or spiritual at all. As a teenager I found astrology, Linda Goodman’s “Sun Signs” was all of my friend groups go to book. In college I somehow migrated to Philosophy, where I sat for four years and did complete my BA. I also spent time with a fascinating woman who taught me meditation, psychic healing and clairvoyance.
Then I “grew up”, a husband, kids, a real job and I lost my way. I decided I needed to do the “right” thing for the kids, gift them a spiritual practice that could support and sustain them in times of trouble. Where to go? My husband was raised Catholic, we went, we learned, we joined the choir, we made friends. All of my kids friends were Catholic and in Religious Ed. Seemed right!
A year or two in, I started reading and things started falling apart, but we stayed! Read the Nag Hammadi documents, the early councils of the Church and things kept getting worse and worse. Read the mystics – still love the mystics – the miracles and that kept us engaged. 10 -12 years later the kids hate the Church, think it is stupid and not spiritual at all, mostly bad priests, sex abuse scandal and it all comes crashing down.
What’s real? Not Christianity. Non-Catholic Christian denominations are even worse, can’t even begin to do that, Hinduism and Buddhism are so very cultural that I spent some time exploring both, love both, but not it for me.
What’s left?
Go back to my roots? What roots? I had no spiritual roots.
Go back to your ancestral roots….hmmm…I’m 75% Irish. Go to Ireland, go again and again visiting sites where my ancestors walked. Visit sacred wells, standing stones, ancient sites of Tara and Uisneach, again and again. Start feeling the land, the water of the wells and the air. It is real. The spirituality exudes from the elements. I take time to breathe there and feel the land and the water and my soul starts stirring. This is real, this is true. The spirit of the land, the water, the air and fire are in me and around me and there is no denying this, there is no need to set aside things that don’t resonate as true because it is true. The spirit of the elements are living, they vibrate, they hum, they crackle and they flow. Then I see the moon and she tells me what to do, rest when she rests and is dark I think and contemplate, write some intentions during this dark time, but don’t act. Start to come awake as she wakes and grows brighter, start to put intentions into action, when she is bright and full I look around, see what I am doing and whether it is in alignment with my intentions set when the moon was dark. Reset, adjust and keep moving, then I slow as she starts to sleep again and move to rest once more. I feel aligned and in tune with myself and my place in the world.
I look to the stars, I took what started as my little foray into Sun Signs into a much deeper understanding of the mystery that astrology can reveal. It helps me understand relationships with my family and friends and what makes them react or live their lives the way they do, we understand each other better. We understand our differences in approach to life and living is who we are and we can accept and embrace these magnificent differences.
So much has changed, after initial starts and stops, trying to leave the Church, but having no where to go, I find a place, I find my home, I know my truth.
Now I walk my truth, I have been practicing with the moon for 4 years now, making pilgrimages back to Ireland to refresh my soul and now finding Unee. She, the energy of the Universe, travels with me wherever I go. I can trust all will be well because she is the balancing force of the Universe, not just for me, but for all. I know things happen that should happen and what doesn’t happen for me is not right right now.
I am home, in my spiritual truth.
The Stone of Destiny, where Kings of Ireland were crowned. Ireland my ancestral roots and my destiny.