Back to Just Sitting

Well, it would seem my experience was a one-time event or something I can’t through my own power recreate. I do think I had an experience, I had bright light wash over me and I had a lot of energy after I finished meditating. I am grateful for that and will continue meditating.

During my meditation yesterday, I did have another interesting experience. I was drawn to apologizing to everyone I have ever hurt, spoken badly about, gossiped about or otherwise was not nice too. It took a long time, people and situations kept popping into my head and it really made me realize how judgmental I really am.

When I was done, maybe 45 minutes, I was drawn to examining why I said some of these things I did or reacted the way I did to situations. I found it really stemmed from how I felt about myself and my reaction to how I thought they were thinking about me or treating me.

Next I apologized to myself for thinking badly about myself and realized I created my own perceptions.

Was pretty profound for me and I felt very connected to all things and people.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. ~St. Paul

Photo by James Wheeler on

Sitting in My Lostness

I am an Aries with an Aries rising so usually my first response to being lost (or any issue) is to drive to solve. There is a solution and I can find it, has always been my motto.

I have been searching for God for many years feeling like I tasted his/her presence on many occasions, but she/he always seemed to feel unreliable, certainly not summon-able, and fleeting. I do realize that God is ever present and as close as my breath, but those are words, I also realize that I can’t expect to “feel” God all of the time, but those too are just words.

I have decided to sit in my lostness and just sit. I am going back to the beginning – they say always go back to the basics if you have lost your game. There are no “basics” here, but I can go back to the beginning of my belief.

I didn’t grow up in a spiritual household, I knew “God” and “Jesus Christ” as swear words used in anger and frustration. Christmas was about Santa Claus and my mother’s depression at the holiday never quite meeting her expectations.

But somehow there was a connection. I majored in Philosophy in College and did my senior thesis on the existence of God. I decided God existed based of Descartes’ 6 Meditations. Badly recounting Meditation number 3 – we get the idea of the sun from the sun, and we get the idea of God from God, therefore God exists.

So I will start with, God exists, and sit there.

I chose this image because I don’t want to romanticize being lost spiritually. Just like being “lost” and not knowing which way to go or how to get out, being lost spiritually is not fun for me. I don’t like it and I don’t know where to go, nothing has worked or “stuck” in 30 years or more despite my endless trying and reading and researching. Am I trying too hard? Probably, so I am trying doing nothing. But I am not confident. I don’t think this is necessarily going to work either, but something has to eventually, doesn’t it?

Photo by Francesco Ungaro on