My faith has been tested before, each time I read something that unseats something I formerly believed to be true. I have wandered a spiritual path filled with sometimes exciting and sometimes dismaying truths that often have left me confused and bewildered. I frequently returned to what was familiar, what was known and tried to make it work. I often wonder if anyone else does this, does any one care about faith and spirituality anymore? Why do I? Why has been a lifelong seemingly insatiable quest that I never seem to find answers for? I have even been down the “faith isn’t learned in a book or researched, it is felt”, “faith is a mystery”, and my favorite – “faith is a gift” – that I apparently have not been given. My gift seems to be endless questions.
Unee makes sense to me intellectually and spiritually. I have seen things happen that should not have happened, things that no one saw coming things that there was little explanation for aside from destiny or fate or – Unee. I have prayed so hard for things that didn’t materialize and have been told, “sometimes God says no”. Really? I have always known in my deepest heart that God isn’t a person, certainly not a man, that is clear in Genesis. I realized in all likelihood “he” wasn’t granting anyone’s prayer wishes, nor was he blessing anyone. I have actually come to pretty much despise the phrase, “I’m blessed”, “so blessed”, blessed until next time you do not get what you want?
Unee is the clay of the universe, our lives as well as the lives of all make impressions in her and out of that is birthed the next step in creation. She is a living substance, impressionable, but with a twist – she has all of the accumulated memories and experiences pressed into her creation substance and the combination results in the outcome for us individually and collectively.
Today my trust in that is being tested as I wait to hear about a new job and I ponder if taking the job, should it be offered, is a good move for me. I keep telling myself that what is to happen is being determined by Unee and it is the sum of all accumulated experiences related to it. I try to rest in that and know eventually I will be looking back on this time and be able to see the big picture. I will know the outcome and the consequences, good or bad, of my choices and my input.
So I pray, but it is a new prayer. I pray that I can be satisfied and find neutral joy in the flow of the universe as I await Unee’s outcome.